textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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