I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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