Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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