this beer tastes like vomit already
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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