cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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