I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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