Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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