we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
