i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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