Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
