he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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