I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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