i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
