I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
