Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
