Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
nutella sex= disaster
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
