Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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