Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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