Duck Duck Cougar?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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