I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
