you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i wish my penis had a tongue
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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