Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
