I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
