just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
