Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Congratulations! We have a period
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