I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
