I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
