im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
