I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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