I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
