I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
