Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
