Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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