I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize