On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
After last night, I could never be a politician.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
