I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
