im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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