I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
