now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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