I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
