who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
