My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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