She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
