She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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