So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
