I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
