i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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