You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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