I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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