So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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