I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
