In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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