High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize