Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
