I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you had me at cake vodka
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
