Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
